“Do what makes you grow more.”
My beautiful friend Glenn said this to me this morning. My response to him was that I was pondering what makes me grow more. He told me: “Go to your gut, not your head.”
So what is it that makes me grow more?
I don’t have profound answers for this. I have thoughts and some ideas. Words that pop into my mind. Sorry — my gut.
Love. Compassion. Friendship. Humanity. Community.
These have been constants in my life… or when they haven’t, I haven’t been healthy.
What an unsettling feeling to have people in your life actively trying to take what makes you grow away from you. So in effect, I have people trying to make me shrink.
Yes, that makes sense. I never thought that these people, whom I thought to be beautiful and loving people, would behave this way. I have no explanation for this. I am dumbfounded by what’s going on.
But what I’ve been learning lately is that you can’t change or control how people feel and behave. You can only control you. And I know that may sound incredibly cliche, but it just so happens to be the truest thing I know.
“Just be you. Be with your friends. Avoid what hurts; embrace what feels good.”
(more wise words from Glenn)
It feels good to be here. I need to be here. This is my community. I love the people here. I love the vibe the energy the love. I love the poetry reading series. I love the friendships I’ve made here. There is no other place in this town like this place.
It only hurts to be here when I feel like I’m being bullied or threatened. That’s been happening lately, but I had thought maybe it had settled. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I’m extremely hurt right now and just so fucking confused. That’s all I know.
But as with anything that is important, I will fight to hold on to it. So I’m not letting go of this community without a fight. And I’m not afraid. And I will not be bullied. And I will not back down.
So bring it, haters. Bring all the ugliness you have in your soul. Try and saturate me in your vile. Try and cover me with your black hearts.
I will turn them pure again.