[POEM] after

after –

I noticed the gray craters on the moon through the peeling lead paint, enticing me to visit, to leave behind this land, this galaxy of words that complicate my heart
after –

the two hour conversation about us, past and present, future too, her – with the complicated friendship,  him – the tie I can’t seem to break, wants and needs
after –

he asked me to come with him to a ballgame, eat hotdogs and watch the sun set behind a small mountain, pet dogs, listen to the crack of the bat and barks in the park
after –

a much needed nap, where I dreamt terrible truths about us, she was there, mocking my naïveté, why is still there…
after –

I learned you lied to me about that night in October, how worked up you got the girls, how you told them to go and make a scene, humiliate me for the hurt I caused you, how she couldn’t go and make a scene, that he stopped her, told her she didn’t know (you later told me not to trust him)
after –

I told her you’re always lying to me, but she says you lie to yourself, a deflection tactic, manipulating those you love even
after –

you said I was different, the one you didn’t need to impress, I want to take the vulnerability of you into the arms of me, but the lies kept me one heartbeat from trusting
after –

I don’t want to be another tossed away obsession/hobby/crush of the week, month, year, “love of my life” you say
after –

a conversation made possible by opposable thumbs left me longing to see her, wondering how I’d stay awake for her (lots of caffeine), to be with her
after –

I sat on the deck of my best friend’s house, eyes squinting against the sun, telling the two dogs to go pee, wondering how they could hold it in all these hours
after –

these thoughts drip through my hands like wet sand, making uneven piles on my soul, I’ve got no shovel or bucket to build a castle, only wet sand hardening into shifty towers, ready to fall
after –

/ / /

Gina Thompson
3 July 2015

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About Gina Marie Thompson

writer • mom • trail runner • cheese slinger • educator • social justice crusader • seeker of love & beauty• living locally • I CHOOSE LOVE ❤️
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